It was many years ago, and I was still allowed to go to the playground without being frowned at for being too old. It must have been twelve years. Maybe that's why I don't remember it so clearly.
I was on a swing, and my sister and other friend were occupied somewhere some way off. On the swing next to mine there was a boy around my age. He had hair that stood on its end in little spikes and he wore glasses.
I remember saying hi, in a self conscious way. He said hi back. And we talked. I couldn't remember about what exactly, but I do remember how serious and grown-up that conversation was, for the girl I was then. He was a nerd, and I think I was too, for I read huge books and reading too much later made me wear glasses myself. I was pretty impressed on how another kid was interested in serious things also. And I wanted to have many others. I liked the idea of having a friend like that. But then, as I said goodbye and walked away from the swings, I saw my sister ad her friend huddled together. They were watching us. And as I came closer, they started teasing me, that I was "talking to a boy". And that made me really embarrassed, and quickly snip back to my silly little self. I was rude to the boy after that, just to prove them wrong. And I never had a conversation like that with him again.
Some years after that, on that same playground, while I wanted to cross the bridge in the kids' castle, I found him blocking my way, going in the opposite direction. I rudely told him to move aside, since I was older than him, and he retorted that he was a man and "a man was worth two ladies" I didn't know what to say to that, I replied mockingly that he was wrong, and was furious at him after that, trying to to round up the other girls in the playground to back me up. But nothing happened.
Four years ago, while hanging out with my friend on our street, he showed up, and stopped on his way to the local club to say hi to my younger brother and his friends. One of my brother's friends was saying a few bad words, and my friend, apparently, had been replying with some extremely rude hand signs. As I walked up to them and told the boys to stop, the guy with glasses, now a guy taller than I am, with muscular arms, told me that my friend was using even ruder sign language. I told him that I didn't know what they meant anyway,and when he struggled to find the words, and finally said he could hint what they meant, I refused, saying that I didn't really want to know.
And that was that. I headed back to our house, and after that, aside from occasional glimpses I never spoke to him.
Two days ago, I heard my family murmuring in our house as I was getting ready to go to college. I hear something like, someone's passed away.
And later, as I was heading out I asked my mother who'd died. And she says, someone's son. She said he was as old as my younger brother. And I slowly comprehend who she was referring to. I couldn't remember his name for a while, as an unclear image of a guy with hair standing on its end, wearing glasses forms in my mind. I tell my mother simply that he's a bit older than my brother, but also younger than me. I express how terrible it must be for his parents, and utter a prayer under my breath. And I go out.
He was studying in a university abroad. They said he went to sleep that night and just never woke up.
There's nothing on my mind. No real feeling stirs in me. No pity, no grief. But simply, a bit of disbelieve. I go on with my life, as if it's someone I don't know or never spoke to. Nothing changes.
I never knew that guy who died. I just remember there was a kid with glasses that I spoke to on the swings when I was little, with the same name.
